The Speaker of the House responds to your questions.

Dear Nancy:

I’m a long-time reader, first-time writer. I’ve loved your work in the House of Representatives and have been reading your column for years.

My husband and I are having a big argument. Last year, we attended the wedding of the daughter of close friends. We’ve known this girl for years. Last month, she announced that she and her husband of eleven months are divorcing.

My husband feels that since the marriage lasted less than a year, we should expect to get that gift back. I say, what’s done is done. We’ve both agreed to follow your advice. Nancy, what do you think?

Re-Gifting in Greenville

Dear Re-Gifting:

Wait a minute. What?

I mixed up here. Hold on. Hold on.

I honestly . . . I mean, what are you asking me? What is this? Do I think you should what? I’m at a loss as to what you’re saying and why you’re accusing me of this kind of thing.

You shouldn’t be asking me these questions. I’m not on trial here. You are. You and your husband. You’ve both lied many times before — lied and deceived and dissembled — just like you’re doing now.

Was there even a wedding gift? Was there even a wedding? Was there a family friend? I don’t know the answer to these questions.

But the answer to these questions is undoubtedly “no.”

What do I think? I think about people without health care. People without jobs. With skin problems caused by global warming, which I’m leading the fight against, by the way. With returning America’s sense of decency and leadership. That’s what I think.

Shame on you. Shame on you.

Does that answer your question?

Dear Nancy:

In the past year, I’ve lost about 60 pounds. And the hard way, too!! Through diet and exercise and willpower (love those Lorna Doones!). I’ve managed to drop the weight and keep it off.

Lately, though, I’ve noticed a coldness from my husband. He’s always been basically supportive, but since the weight has come off he’s been acting strangely distant. I can’t figure it out. I thought he’d love the new, slimmer me, but the truth is, he keeps pulling away. How should I handle this?

Svelte but Stumped

Dear Svelte:

In 2002 or around there, I was present at a meeting . . . wait. The pages are out of order here. I’m getting mixed up.

I’m mixed up.

The pages are . . . they’re all . . . wait, okay? Can you wait? Can you just WAIT? For ONE second please??

Okay.

You’re fat. I’m not fat. I never was fat, and anyone who says I was is a liar, it’s that simple. You’re a liar. A fat — or formerly fat, though we only have your word for it — liar. A big formerly fat liar. I hope you’re proud of yourself.

Look, I have a lot on my mind. I’m worried about terrorism. I’m worried about the economy. I’m fighting a war in Iraq. I’m a busy person. I can’t be expected to remember every little thing.

Maybe your husband is upset that you lied about what you said to me. Because you did, you know.

Wait. I’m mixed up here. These things are all out of order. Let me put these pages back in order.

Okay, all fixed.

Sorry, what was your question?

Dear Nancy:

It’s after Memorial Day!!! That means white shoes are okay, right? But where I live, it’s hardly spring yet — still chilly and rainy and windy. So my friend Tina says, even though it’s after Memorial Day, white shoes are still inappropriate. She insists that I need to wait until the weather is nice and sunny. I say, forget about it! What do you say, Nancy?

White Shoe in Walla Walla

Dear White Shoe:

You’re purposely trying to trick me. You’re purposely trying to confuse me.

The rule is, white shoes after Memorial Day. That’s the rule. I didn’t make the rule and I wasn’t there when anyone talked about it.

Why are we playing “Gotcha”? Why are we playing that? Who are you to ask me these questions? Stop it. Just stop it.

These are . . . these are big issues. I’m trying to answer them as completely as I can. But at the same time, I know that my enemies are lying in wait, just waiting to destroy the first female speaker of the House of Representatives over something like that.

You know who the real villain is?

Vice President Dick Cheney. He’s the real villain. Him and Karl Rove. They’re the villain. Villains. You should be turning the spotlight onto them, instead of hounding me with your complicated questions.

Is the rule Memorial Day? Is it? I don’t know, honestly. I only have your word for that. Show me something on paper. Show me something definitive and then I’ll answer your questions.

Wait. I’m all confused here.

I’m mixed up.

Does that answer your question?