Choose Your Own Election

This piece runs too close to the election to make predictions, so I’ll channel the mainstream media and provide sheets of clichés. You can play National Review editor! Just grab a pen and cross out the words and sentences that don’t apply. When you’re done you’ll have a perfect chattering-class boilerplate think-piece.

Let’s begin.

“It’s finally over. The trials of 2020 were (ended / exacerbated) by an election that gave the nation (finality / an attenuated sense of anguish) when (Joe Biden / Donald Trump) found himself the (clear winner / contested loser) of an election many observers called (the beginning of renewal / the end of America’s historically peaceful transfer of power).”

If Biden wins big, this is next:

“For months, the veteran senator had gathered in his fold a wide-ranging coalition of Americans, projecting a calm, steady persona of normalcy that contrasted sharply with the erratic, divisive, impulsive style of his COVID-infected rival. On Election Day, the voters responded with overwhelming affirmation. Third time was, indeed, the charm, and Joseph Biden’s long journey of public service was rewarded with elevation to the office he has sought, selflessly and tirelessly, for so long.”

If Trump wins big, use this graf:

“For months, the president had lashed out against the polls, declaring them fake news, no doubt aware that ‘news’ rhymes with ‘Jews,’ a dog whistle to the historical anti-Semitism of the European Right, which has been resurgent in countries where the president is popular. While the president turned out to be correct, his assault on the polling process continues a long war against the norms of Washington and the media, and throws into question whether he will accept the results of a post-election poll that says 39 percent of the electorate is not happy with his reelection.”

If Biden wins but it’s close:

“As questions swirl around Republican efforts to defund the Post Office and slow-walk mail-in ballots, the Biden team is confident that a full counting of the votes will show the senator to be the clear winner of the election. A late surge of pro-Trump votes from Texas, they say, should be discounted as obvious fraud, a convenient last-minute attempt to overturn the election by using ballots from red strongholds. The Biden campaign has also asked a federal court to end the counting of ballots not tallied by November 7.”

If Trump wins but it’s close:

“Long-standing fears of voter suppression surfaced again after a contested election that seemed to show President Donald Trump winning a narrow popular majority and a one-vote Electoral College victory. Biden aides say they had expected what they called ‘ballot malarkey,’ echoing the former vice president’s penchant for earthy, colloquial talk, and they pointed to a newly discovered cache of votes in New York and Chicago, which they expected would change the results. The Biden campaign has also demanded that the courts rule on counting ballots through the end of the year.”

If Biden loses the popular vote but wins the Electoral College:

“If anything emerged from this difficult election, it was a reminder of the wisdom of the Founders. Their exquisite arrangement of checks and balances, their careful division of power, and their evident foresight in preventing mob rule were apparent in the calm verdict of the Electoral College, where the states — the laboratories of democracy — played their individual roles in choosing the nation’s next leader.”

If Trump wins the popular vote but loses the Electoral College:

“Many have been looking for evidence that the Electoral College is still relevant. Well, they have it now. It may be our last, best bulwark against tyranny.”

If Trump loses the popular vote but wins the Electoral College:

“No one who has read the 1619 Project will fail to look at these results and say — no, shout out loud — that this is what you get when slaveholders design a government.”

If Biden wins the popular vote but loses the Electoral College: same as above.

If the Electoral College is tied:

“This, then, was the Republicans’ long game. Pack the courts with straight men and a few WINOS — women in name only, and, in this case, white WINOS — and ensure the tyranny of a dried piece of paper over the hopes and aspirations of the historically marginalized. Observers of the Supreme Court note that Amy Coney Barrett may be relatively new to the bench, but her record suggests she will follow what she believes to be the law instead of the expansive historical-injustice interpretation many have argued is necessary for the country to confront its past.”

In the event that somehow a third-party candidate wins, something along these lines:

“In a twist some analysts called a stunning repudiation of the two-party system, the presidential election appears to have been won by Robert ‘Bob’ Poxon, a retired gunsmith whose slogan — ‘A Poxon Both Their Houses’ — obviously resonated with many. He ran his campaign entirely on Twitter, Gab, Parler, Reddit, and Facebook, as well as through short ads that appeared on the shows of multi-million-subscriber YouTube celebrities who were unfamiliar to the mainstream media and hence ignored. He had no platform aside from promising, ‘I’ll just leave you alone for the most part, unless you’re getting up in someone else’s business.’”

Just kidding about that last one; it’ll never happen. Okay, now choose one of these ending lines:

“One thing is sure: With Biden’s win, the nation’s deep divisions may finally start to heal.”

“One thing is sure: With Trump’s supposed victory, our deep, infected wounds have been reopened.”

“One thing is sure: The 2024 campaign begins today.”

Come to think of it, just dump the whole column and run that last line.