According to NBC, “Democratic insiders have set up a ‘war room’” to figure out how to transform America as quickly as possible. Once the Ds take the presidency, the House, and the Senate, they will move quickly to enact a broad spectrum of legislation designed to make wonderful things happen. They will kill the filibuster, fill the kilibuster, immediately expand the Supreme Court to 24 justices and require all to wear “BLM” on the back of their robes, pass the Green New Deal, draw and quarter Mitch McConnell on the National Mall, ban sugary drinks, outlaw forest fires, prohibit raisins in oatmeal cookies.

That takes care of the first morning, anyway. Say, you there, man on the street wearing a “Think Globally, Act Coexistently” T-shirt. What do you think?

“Great. I don’t like when you bite into a cookie and there’s fruit.”

Yeah, a lot of us feel that way, but the other stuff?

“Well, that doesn’t really affect me, but I eat a lot of cookies.”

Maybe you could check the label first? So you’re not surprised?

“The print’s too small. I don’t always have my cheaters with me.”

Okay, but killing the filibuster? Say the Senate wants to pass a law that makes the lettering on the package bigger, so you can make an informed choice, and they want to use the filibuster to do so. Democrats could keep them from doing so, just so they could ban raisins.

“Fine. Most people don’t like raisins in their oatmeal cookies. I’ll bet 51 percent of the people hate them. It’s a democracy, isn’t it?”

Actually, no, it’s not.

“Oh, you’re a Russian bot.”

What? I’m a living breathing human, standing here before you. A bot is a fake person on social media sowing chaos in order to exacerbate tensions among the American people, pit us against one another in a spiral of mutual distrust and animosity. Which is really a waste of resources, because we’re perfectly able to do that on our own without Ivan chiming in as TrumpHatr934323 on Twitter.

“TrumpHatr934323 is a bot? I follow that guy. He makes some good points — oh, no, wait, I’m thinking of TrumpHatr934322. Yeah that other one is totally a bot. Like you.”

Yes, exactly, I get ten kopeks in my PayPal account every time I tweet out a video of Joe Biden sounding like he’s emerging from dental anesthesia. That’ll swing California. No! I’m standing up for people’s rights to choose their cookies based on personal preference and make an informed decision based on a careful evaluation of the label.

“And you’d use government to force the companies to make bigger labels? I thought you conservatives were all about keeping the government out of our lives, except when you want to put it in the bedroom. I guess Trump has really broken your movement. Now you’re all authoritarians.”

What? No. It’s the Democrat Party that wants to abolish history, remake the institutions, and micromanage every aspect of your life, from health care to transportation to your ability to believe that someone with a penis is not a woman in the sense that, you know, women are women, and so on. That’s the authoritarian party. But back to the Supreme Court —

“I don’t care. I care about two things: getting Trump out of office so no one else gets COVID, and the integrity of important institutions, like oatmeal cookies. Didn’t you read that Trump said soldiers who get COVID are losers and quitters?”

What? No. He didn’t — look, let’s talk about the Green New Deal. Do you realize what it means, and what it would cost?

“Haven’t you seen how California is on fire? Global warming, my dude. If we don’t do something now the whole world will be on fire, and we’ll have polar bears goin’ up in flames like marshmallows on a stick at a campfire. And what does Trump do? He signs deals with the Arabs that increase the number of airplane flights between Israel and other countries. Like that’s really what the world needs now, more airplane emissions.”

You can’t seriously believe that California timber mismanagement will lead to incinerated polar bears.

“So we should just run our air-conditioning then and not care if the planet dies? The only good thing is that the fires may take out the vineyards, which produce raisins.”

The vineyards also produce wine, which is an important part of the California economy —

“Wine is racist. I heard a piece on NPR about that. Red wine, white wine — c’mon, man. Even the way we describe wine is racist, with Eurocentric words like ‘brioche.’”

Black people are unaware of brioche? And we should let an industry die because some people say it’s racist?

“I’m saying we should change the way we think about it and include anti-racism in our wine choices to reflect our recognition of the systemic harm done to marginalized and oppressed peoples. Starting with full citizenship for everyone who picks the grapes.”

And if those grapes are used for raisins that are put into cookies?

“There won’t be any raisins in cookies. Everything that is wrong will be right again. See, that’s what you thuglican fascists don’t get. Just having Trump out means all the bad stuff stops. It stands to reason that if the bad stuff stops, then the stuff that happens is good.”

So you’re voting for Biden, then.

“Maybe. I have a mail-in ballot. Can you give me a stamp?”

No.

“See, you guys. You’re all about voter suppression.”