[Present: Department of Justice Legal Supervisor; Deputy Chief Counsel, Interrogation Compliance, Department of Defense; Central Intelligence Legal Affairs Representative; Interrogator’s Personal Counsel; Detainee’s Court-Ordered Counsel; Department of Homeland Security Compliance Officer; Detainee; Interrogator.]

DETAINEE: Death to America.

INTERROGATOR: This is session one of the interrogation of Detainee 00-287, codenamed MasterMind. We will be discussing in this first session the current state and org-chart of al-Qaeda, its current activities in the Middle East theater, and its current plans for terrorist activity in the United States.

DETAINEE: Death to America.

DHS COMPLIANCE OFFICER: Please read the Statement of Compliance.

INTERROGATOR: Okay. Here goes. Let me begin this session by saying that we will fully comply with new administration guidelines on interrogation techniques and standards, and are fully cognizant of our duties and responsibilities and waive all rights and indemnifications thereunto pertaining.

DOJ LEGAL SUPERVISOR: And the Religious Disclaimer please.

INTERROGATOR: Okay. Nothing in this interrogation or its work product should be construed in any way to reflect negatively on any religion or creed, and we interrogate without regard to a detainee’s belief or belief system, sexual orientation, economic background, or ethnic identity.

INTERROGATION COMPLIANCE OFFICER, DOD: Please read the Customer Service Message.

INTERROGATOR: Okay. To the detainee: It is my express goal to provide you, the detainee, with excellent service this afternoon. If at any time you are not satisfied with your service, please inform your counsel immediately, or if counsel is not present, call our 800 number listed in your Welcome Packet.

CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE LEGAL AFFAIRS: I think we can proceed now.

INTERROGATOR: Okay, let’s get started. But first, can I get you some coffee?

DHS COMPLIANCE OFFICER: Wait. Let me stop you there. Are you prepared to offer a decaf option to the detainee?

INTERROGATOR: We don’t have decaf.

DHS COMPLIANCE OFFICER: Then you’re in violation of the Choice of Beverages Directive, and I’m going to have to bring this interrogation to a close.

DETAINEE: Death to America.

DETAINEE’S COUNSEL: I’d like my client’s remarks stricken from the record.

INTERROGATOR: On what grounds?

DETAINEE’S COUNSEL: On the grounds that according to the Comfortable and Nurturing Environment Presidential Directive of 2009, he is currently being tortured and coerced into making statements and claims that he cannot legally be held accountable for.

DETAINEE: Death to America.

DETAINEE’S COUNSEL: Again, move to strike.

INTERROGATOR: What if I don’t offer coffee?

DOJ LEGAL SUPERVISOR: According to our interpretation of the Detainee Hospitality Act, as long as no beverage is proffered, no choice of beverage needs to be available.

INTERROGATOR: Fine. Okay. Let’s continue –

INTERROGATOR’S PERSONAL COUNSEL: Just a second. Can I have that waiver in writing?

DOJ LEGAL SUPERVISOR: From the Department of Justice?

INTERROGATOR’S PERSONAL COUNSEL: Before my client can proceed with his interrogation, I’m going to need a written and approved finding from all of you — DOJ, Homeland, Central Intelligence, Defense, all of you — stating that the consensus interpretation of the Soothing, Chillaxed Vibe subsection of the Detainee Hospitality Act –

DHS COMPLIANCE OFFICER: For simplicity’s sake, let’s just refer to it as the Pelosi Amendment –

INTERROGATOR’S PERSONAL COUNSEL: Fine. I’ll need a signed statement of consensus from all of you before I can recommend that my client proceed with this interrogation.

DEPUTY CHIEF COUNSEL, COMPLIANCE, DOD: We don’t offer findings of that nature. The most we can do is file a notation that extraordinary measures have been taken to assure compliance with the Act, and that in every other instance the detainee has been offered his due rights and privileges under the Act, and with total compliance to food, beverage, religious worship, and spa treatments.

CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE LEGAL AFFAIRS: We’ve got trouble with the “total compliance” language.

DETAINEE: Death to America.

INTERROGATOR: Fine. Fine. How about I send someone out for a Starbucks run? They’ve got it all — decaf, cappuccino, frappuccino, regular brew — would that satisfy the Pelosi Rule?

DEPUTY CHIEF COUNSEL, COMPLIANCE, DOD: Yep.

DHS COMPLIANCE OFFICER: Absolutely.

CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE LEGAL AFFAIRS: It would.

DETAINEE’S COUNSEL: We’re cool with that.

INTERROGATOR’S PERSONAL COUNSEL: I formally recommend to my client that he proceed with the Starbucks run. And I’ll have a grande nonfat latte.

DEPUTY CHIEF COUNSEL, COMPLIANCE, DOD: Dry soy macchiato.

DHS COMPLIANCE OFFICER: Venti drip with whole milk.

CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE LEGAL AFFAIRS: Iced nonfat latte with a shot of vanilla.

DETAINEE’S COUNSEL: Grande cap. You want anything?

DETAINEE: Death to America.

DETAINEE’S COUNSEL: Just put him down for an Ethos Water and a lemon pound cake. I know what he likes.

DETAINEE: Death to America.