LARRY KING: From Paterson, New Jersey! Hello!

CALLER: Hi, Larry. I’d like to ask your guest if he ever gets mad when people call it a “death panel.”

LARRY KING: Great question. What about it? It’s a panel. You talk about death. People are gonna call it what they call it, you know?

IMAC COMMISSIONER: Of course, Larry, and we’re cognizant of that. But I think a better way to put what we do is to use the proper name — we’re an independent medical advisory council. That’s all we do. We advise. We advise doctors. It’s really very simple. It’s not like we’re empowered to do anything other than that. It’s not like we can say to your caller — what’s your name, by the way?

CALLER: Mine? Michelle.

IMAC COMMISSIONER: And where do you live?

CALLER: In New Jersey.

IMAC COMMISSIONER: And how old are you?

CALLER: I’m 47.

IMAC COMMISSIONER: Okay, it’s not like we can say to Michelle from New Jersey that because she is past her socially useful age and lives in a heavily polluted state and the likelihood that she’ll contract cancer is higher than average that we’ll cut off her health insurance and just let her die. That’s crazy. That’s silly. We aren’t authorized to do that.

CALLER: Actually, I had a squamous-cell carcinoma removed last year.

IMAC COMMISSIONER: Oh. Then we are authorized to do that.

CALLER: But it’s totally gone. No recurrence.

IMAC COMMISSIONER: Right, right. Still. What’s your street address?

LARRY KING: Government in action! This is not your father’s post office! From Concord, California! Hello!

CALLER: Hi Larry. I’d like to ask the commissioner if they take any other criteria into the decision-making process. Like, last year I donated the maximum individual amount to the Obama reelection campaign, and this year I was told by my IMAC counselors that because I’m still a few pounds overweight I’m in danger of being humanely euthanized if I’m ever hospitalized.

LARRY KING: Put to sleep! Like a stray dog! Doesn’t seem right.

IMAC COMMISSIONER: No, it doesn’t. I’m sorry, caller, but you say you’re a few pounds overweight?

CALLER: Correct.

IMAC COMMISSIONER: How many is a few?

CALLER: Eighty.

LARRY KING: Garlique! Try it for heart health today!

IMAC COMMISSIONER: Well, okay, there’s not much I can do about that. Your best bet is to continue to make regular contributions.

LARRY KING: Diet? Exercise?

IMAC COMMISSIONER: Oh, right. Of course that too. And she could think about bundling.

LARRY KING: Tomorrow night! The cast of Saved by the Bell remembers Mr. Belding! Meanwhile, let’s get serious. I’ve had 43 heart attacks. I’ve got more holes in me than a mob boss after a hit. Just this morning I had another small heart attack and I’m supposed to have a very minor bypass on Friday, after the show. Shirley Jones, by the way! The whole hour! So I used to pay it all out of pocket until we went to that other system where I’ve got to bring a book when I have a doctor’s appointment.

IMAC COMMISSIONER: The single-payer system, right.

LARRY KING: Single-payer!

IMAC COMMISSIONER: And this surgery has been approved?

LARRY KING: I think so.

IMAC COMMISSIONER: Really? How old are you, Larry?

LARRY KING: Technically, I’m 93.

IMAC COMMISSIONER: Wow. Hard to see how your panel approved that surgery.

LARRY KING: I think it’s because I’m in the “arts” category.

IMAC COMMISSIONER: Could be. I’ll look into it. Doesn’t seem like “arts” is exactly the right way to describe what you do.

LARRY KING: Does it weigh on you? The stress? The responsibility?

IMAC COMMISSIONER: Not really, Larry. Look, I used to be a college admissions officer, so I’m used to evaluating people based on their potential, their intelligence, their diversity –

LARRY KING: Diversity! America’s strength!

IMAC COMMISSIONER: I agree totally, Larry.

LARRY KING: From Santa Cruz, California! Hello!

CALLER: Hi Larry. I’d like to ask your guest if he’s ever had to pull the plug on a loved one?

LARRY KING: Great question! So? Didya ever? Just say to Mom or Dad or Sis, “Hey, sorry, it’s aloha on a steel guitar?”

IMAC COMMISSIONER: Larry, really, we don’t pull the plug on anyone, ever. We aren’t allowed to do that, constitutionally. The Supreme Court in Jerry Lewis v. IMAC was very, very clear. What we do is guide, Larry. We guide. We shape a conversation and we create a dialogue and we guide a framework for a productive discussion about these very very difficult and emotional issues.

LARRY KING: But who actually pulls the plug?

IMAC COMMISSIONER: Usually the nurse, when no one is looking.

LARRY KING: This weekend! After my surgery! The cast of Desperate Housewives!

IMAC COMMISSIONER: Um, Larry, about this weekend. I wouldn’t make any plans . . .

LARRY KING: From Walland, Tennessee! Hello!

IMAC COMMISSIONER: Seriously, Larry, don’t buy any green bananas.