NSA National Security Signals

NSA NATIONAL SECURITY SIGNALS

EXTRACT 031222 GMT 17:05

ADDENDUM TO: NATSEC BRIEFING PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

[GLOSSARY PREPARED FOR POTUS BY NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE — INLINE BELOW]

FROM COMSAT INTERCEPT WECHAT

[Sir, WeChat is the most popular and prevalent messaging app in the PROC. We have been intercepting and sifting this messaging and data service for 87 months. We are convinced that it remains a preferred channel for world leaders to communicate quickly and with what they perceive to be high-level anonymity.]

XIXI: ?????

[Sir, it is the consensus of the IC that “XIXI” is the WeChat moniker of President Xi Jinping of the PROC. His avatar is a small animated panda bear making a circular “cuckoo” gesture with his paw. The series of question marks in his initial message seems to indicate that he is curious and/or quizzical about something. Young people often use this character as a way to express exasperation or frustration with the recipient.]

PUTPUT: WYD?

[Sir, it is the consensus of the IC that “PutPut” is the WeChat moniker of Vladimir Putin, president of the Russian Federation. His avatar remains the WeChat default logo. The letters “WYD” are in common use with dedicated text messagers — “What Ya Doin?” or “What are You Doing?”]

XIXI: (RED-STEAMING-FACE EMOJI)

[Sir, this image of the “smiley face,” which you are familiar with from your Daily Briefing, is here embellished by red coloration and steam exiting the figure’s “ears.” We believe President Xi is conveying his displeasure with the recent invasion of Ukraine by President Putin. As you may recall from your previous briefing, “Putin and Xi in Beijing: A Color-Me Play Activity Book,” the president of the PROC was caught off guard by the military incursion by the Russian Federation and believes he is owed an explanation and apology from President Putin.]

PUTPUT: (GIF OF STEVE URKEL FROM FAMILY MATTERS, “DID I DO THAT?”)

[Sir, this image is a GIF — pronounced “giff” or “jiff” as you prefer — that depicts a classic sitcom character from the 1990s hit television show Family Matters in his signature post-disaster pose: shrugging while saying sheepishly, “Did I do that?” After careful analysis, we believe this is President Putin’s way of placating his closest world leader and apologizing for the embarrassment he has caused.]

XIXI: WTF???

[Sir, we believe this message needs no gloss.]

PUTPUT: (RAILROAD-CAR EMOJI, AIRPLANE EMOJI, WRAPPED-PRESENT EMOJI)

[Sir, you will recall some of these images from the flash cards used to prepare you for your State of the Union speech. It is the opinion of the IC, though, that these emojis are a formal request for military aid from the PROC. Along with several other intercepts, this seems to confirm that President Putin has requested military help, which would escalate the level of cooperation between those two countries to an alarming degree.]

XIXI: . . .

[Sir, the three dots, or ellipsis, is often interpreted as a signal that the correspondent is in the midst of typing a message and a request for the initiating correspondent to wait until he or she is finished. In the context of the WeChat messaging service, it merely indicates that the correspondent has read the previous message. This is what is known to the Generation Z users of messaging services as “Being Left on Read,” and it indicates that the correspondent has read the previous message, is aware that his or her communicating partner is waiting for a response, but declines to give one. It is a highly passive-aggressive act.]

PUTPUT: (GIF OF HARRY STYLES WIPING AWAY A TEAR)

[Sir, you will recall that Harry Styles is a current international pop star known for his flamboyant dress and luxurious hair. The use of this gif reinforces our conclusion that President Putin is deteriorating mentally and emotionally.]

XIXI: DILLIGAF??

[Sir, we believe this message needs no gloss. Again, President Xi is expressing extreme displeasure.]

PUTPUT: (GIF OF HOMER SIMPSON WALKING BACKWARDS AND DISAPPEARING INTO A HEDGE)

[Sir, this gif is often used to portray mortification or embarrassment. The IC analysis is that Putin is accepting the position of the PROC and offering to lay low until such time as the PROC deems it wise to initiate military cooperation. This strikes the IC as a significant gif for the Russian president to use, and along with his previous use of Steve Urkel as an icon/avatar, it suggests a weakening of resolve on the part of the Russian president.]

XIXI: (GIF OF BERNIE SANDERS SITTING IN HIS GRAY PARKA)

[It’s unclear here whether the use of this specific Bernie Sanders meme — in which the Vermont senator and two-time presidential candidate sits in a sulking pose outdoors at your inauguration — is intended to be good-natured.]

PUTPUT: (HEART EMOJI, HEART EMOJI, HEART EMOJI)

[Sir, these three hearts seem to suggest an emotional neediness on the part of the Russian president.]

XIXI: . . .

[SEE ABOVE, “LEFT ON READ”]

END EXTRACT