FROM: [email protected]
RE: AIG bonuses pushback
Madam Speaker:
Need to arrange a conference call soon about the new AIG employee-bonus controversy. We’re getting lots of poll data showing big traction — people really are getting angry about it, about these big companies getting taxpayer dollars and not changing their old, greedy ways. Our pollsters think this is a great time to move on health care, etc.
When can we schedule a conference call?
FROM: [email protected]
RE: RE: AIG bonuses pushback
When can we schedule a conference call??? You tell me!!!! I’m right now in the least comfortable G5 jet the Air Force has got — the icemaker is totally making an annoying noise, and the seats go back flat, but there’s like this little bump in the middle that’s making me crazy!!! Plus, no moisturizer in the bathroom. And the nuts aren’t salty at ALL which I know is because of Senator Byrd’s low-salt diet but HELLO! I am not Senator Byrd!!! I want some salty nuts and the cheese thing they used to do, plus the moisturizer plus the seat that goes all the way back plus those wonderful throws they used to give out.
Handle this ASAP!!! Then we’ll talk about corporate greed.
FROM: [email protected]
RE: A very angry speaker
Hi . . . I just got a pretty angry e-mail from Speaker Pelosi. She’s on one of your G5s to the West Coast, and she’s got her family there and a few other folks, and she’s reporting some VERY shoddy service, and a TOTAL lack of the usual amenities you guys are really supposed to deliver: the seats, the cashmere throws, the salty nuts, etc., etc. I can’t tell you how disappointed she is in this. And I also hate to remind you that when it comes to defense appropriations, etc. — new weapons systems, new protective armor, etc. — she’s going to have a hard time overlooking the lack of Kiehl’s moisturizer in the bathroom of the G5. And understandably so. Can you please fix this ASAP, so I can tell her it’s all being taken care of? Thanks much.
FROM: [email protected]
RE: RE: A very angry speaker
Thanks very much for your recent e-mail about our customer service on an in-transit G5 flight.
We at the United States Armed Forces Platinum Travel Experience Office strive to meet every expectation of our discerning and demanding customers. They work hard; they play hard; they deserve the very best the United States Armed Forces can offer. We’re sincerely sorry for any discomfort or distress our lack of attention to detail has caused. Please accept our apologies.
To recap, the issues with the current in-transit flight are:
1. Lack of Kiehl’s moisturizer in main bathroom.
2. Insufficient pitch to one or more seats.
3. Lack of cashmere throws.
4. Lack of salted snacks.
Please rest assured that we’ve already begun to remedy this. An F-14 “Tomcat” fighter jet is already dispatched to the G5’s destination, and will meet the Speaker upon landing to offer an official in-person apology, and a “Forgive Us! There’s a War On!” amenity bag, which will include not only several cashmere throws and a carton of salty snacks, but also coupons for further travel, and a lifetime membership in the “Armed Forces Global Plus Travel Experience”™ club.
We do everything we can to make flying and travel a joyful, spa-like experience for our friends and supporters in the United States House of Representatives and the United States Senate. Thank you, sincerely, for bringing it to our attention when we fail to meet our own high expectations, and those of our valued guests.
All the very best,
Your Armed Forces Platinum Travel Experience Concierge
FROM: [email protected]
RE: RE: RE: AIG bonuses pushback
Just e-mailed the guy from Concierge service at the Dept. Defense. He’s on it, I promise. They’re going to meet you in Marin with an “I’m sorry” and a goodie bag. And I’m pretty sure they’re going to retire that plane and replace it with one of the ones we confiscate from AIG or BankAmerica or GM or Citi.
FROM: [email protected]
RE: RE: RE: RE: AIG bonuses pushback
Okay then. Let’s move on. What do we do about this corporate greed and all of the fat cats getting bonuses and perks and whatnot? I agree that this is a big issue. At a time when most Americans are tightening their belts, this kind of thing is just outrageous, especially in light of all of the taxpayer money going into these companies.
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