Holiday Revisions

Special COVID-19 2020 Edition!

A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS

[Charlie Brown and Linus walk six feet apart. Both are wearing masks.]

Charlie Brown: I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel.

Linus: Have you experienced a fever? Have you recently traveled?

Charlie Brown: I don’t think so!

Linus: Have you lost your sense of taste or smell?

Charlie Brown: No, I have been following all of the guidelines and alerts put out by local health officials. I am tested regularly and maintain social distance whenever I’m with people. And of course, I always wear a mask.

Linus: Charlie Brown, you’re the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem. Maybe Lucy’s right. Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you’re the Charlie Browniest!

[They approach Lucy, who is in her booth: “Psychiatric Help 5¢”]

Lucy: May I help you?

Charlie Brown: I’m in sad shape.

Lucy: Wait a minute. Before you begin, I must ask that you pay in advance. Five cents please.

[Charlie Brown puts a nickel into her can.]

Lucy: Boy, what a sound. How I love to hear that old money plink. That beautiful sound of cold, hard cash. This beautiful, beautiful cent, nickels, nickels, nickels. That beautiful sound of plinking nickels. All right now, what seems to be your trouble?

Charlie Brown: I feel depressed. I know I should be happy, but I’m not. It’s Christmas, but there’s no school, and we’ve all been doing Zoom classes for almost a year. We didn’t do any sports at all. I miss baseball. And from everything I’ve read, little kids like us don’t even have anything to really worry about. The COVID-19 virus is statistically not very dangerous for us. But meanwhile, child-age depression and suicide ideation are skyrocketing. So I guess I’m not having such a great Christmas.

Lucy: I know how you feel about all this Christmas business. Getting depressed and all that. It happens to me every year. I never get what I really want. I always get a lot of stupid toys and a bicycle or clothes or something like that.

Charlie Brown: So what is it you want?

Lucy: Real estate.

[Snoopy walks by, carrying a large sign. As he passes the three of them, he stops and turns, showing the sign, which reads: COVID IS A HOAX.

Woodstock flutters by, pulling a sign that reads: TRUMP WON #STOPTHESTEAL]

Charlie Brown: Good grief!

Linus and Lucy, together: Stay safe, Charlie Brown!

A CHRISTMAS CAROL

Running to the window, he opened it and put out his head. No fog, no mist; clear, bright, jovial, stirring cold; cold piping for the blood to dance to; golden sunlight; heavenly sky; sweet fresh air; merry bells. O, glorious, glorious!

“What’s today?” cried Scrooge, calling downward to a boy in Sunday clothes, who perhaps had loitered in to look about him.

“Eh?” returned the boy, with all his might of wonder.

“What’s today, my fine fellow?” said Scrooge.

“You really shouldn’t be leaving your house. We’re under stay-at-home orders.”

“Okay, well, I really haven’t left my house, technically. I’m simply leaning out of the window,” cried Scrooge, happy and joyous to be alive, still, and overfull of Christmas spirit.

“I’m just saying,” continued the lad, “that someone of your — no offense — advanced age, and by the tone of your voice I’m just gonna go out on a limb and say you’ve got some serious co-morbidities, am I right? Some emphysema, history of smoking — ”

“Yes, yes!” cried old Scrooge with impatience. “And now, my good fellow, I must ask again: What day is it?”

“Why, it’s Christmas Day! Tech­nically. Though all celebrations and religious observances of the day have been canceled or prohibited by the local health authorities.”

“It’s Christmas Day!” said Scrooge to himself. “I haven’t missed it. The Spirits have done it all in one night. They can do anything they like. Of course they can. Of course they can.”

“Sir, you’re not making any sense. But either you go back inside and shut that window or put on a robe because the whole nightshirt look you’re serving is ruining the vibe here on the street.”

Scrooge took this in.

“Do you know the poulterer’s in the next street but one, at the corner?” Scrooge inquired.

“Yes,” was the reply. “But it’s gone out of business due to the pandemic.”

NEW LYRICS, “I’LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS”

I’ll be home for Christmas You can plan on me Please have snow and mistletoe And presents by the tree.

I’ll be standing outside A mask across my face I’ll look in and smize a grin And head back to my place.

The rules are on the website Four or five, at tops If I see a large family You know I’ll call the cops.

Christmas Eve will find me Where the love light blooms I’ll be home for Christmas If only in my Zooms.