‘The Rich Kids Who Want to Tear Down Capitalism” was the name of a recent NYT story about helium-headed children of hard-working people who want to spoil things for everyone. Is that too cruel? Okay. Idealistic, noble people who want a better future. (Note: Helium is a “noble gas.”)

The piece begins with the granite-hard dedication of one Sam Jacobs, eager to get his soft hands on his trust fund so he can convert it to a fine mist and feed it to the wind. The Times quotes him thus: “I want to build a world where someone like me, a young person who controls tens of millions of dollars, is impossible,” he said.

How selfless! He wants to use his money to “undo capital­ism,” of course. It’s like someone who looks at the thermostat, thinks, “Some people are cold,” and vows to make fire illegal.

Another genius, Ms. Gelman:

“My money is mostly stocks, which means it comes from underpaying and undervaluing working-class people, and that’s impossible to disconnect from the economic legacies of Indigenous genocide and slavery,” Ms. Gelman said. “Once I realized that, I couldn’t imagine doing anything with my wealth besides redistribute it to these communities.”

Well, you go right ahead. It is, after all, your blood money. Which stocks, though? If you had Microsoft, how is that tied to indigenous genocide and slavery? I know, I know, stupid question; everything is tied to our original sins because, duh, America, but if we may be so bold as to ask: Does she think MS-DOS was a Mexican gang and Bill Gates stole it from them?

The best quote, which must have been difficult to transcribe with a straight face: “When I think about outlet malls, I think about intersectional oppression,” Mx. Delahunt said.

Yes, “Mx.” You wonder if there was more to the piece, taken out for space:

“He sipped a cold-press coffee whose beans he ground by hand with two stones taken from a river in Cambodia. ‘It was a very spiritual river,’ he said, adding that he took the stones on a trip as a youth and has felt a sense of guilt over his colonialist appropriation.

“‘I tried to make up for it by seeding an investment in a micro-loan NGO that would help Cambodian villagers sell their rocks to the West for coffee-grinding purposes, because the intentionality of the effort would absolve the rocks of any negative connotations. It’s not like I’m doing an Amy Covid Barrett thing and adopting the rocks, forcing them into a Western mindset of servitude.

“‘One of the things we stress when we send rocks from Cambodia to the West is how the recipients should begin each pot of coffee by asking the rock’s permission. There’s an almost holy silence that follows, timeless and serene. And then you say, “Well, I’ll take that as a yes!” and make the pot of coffee.’

“His beans, he stresses, come only from Central American co-ops that have at least 65 percent LGBTQ+ representation, which he admits can be difficult. ‘The culture down there is not as accepting as it is in the West, so . . . it’s a challenge, and . . .’ His words trail off, and his eyes cross for a moment as he attempts to reconcile the idea that the culture in which he lives is, by his own definitions, superior to another. But then he snaps into focus again and notes how progress comes in fits and starts, and shows me a photo­graph of the truck drivers for the Guatemalan company. All the drivers are male, but half are wearing vibrant peasant dresses and appear to be laughing at some joke the camera could not capture.

“‘They sign the invoices “From Guatemalx,” so I think we’re making real progress.’

“Having fully explained his coffee, he moves on to his real passion, which is pressuring The New Yorker to use staples that come from ethnically sourced metals, citing a 2006 U.N. report that uncovered gender imbalances in the workforce of Peruvian tin mines.”

I made all that up and wish dearly I didn’t have to point that out.

The article quotes — here’s a stunner — a Marxist professor who’s written twelve books on the need to destroy capitalism and no doubt believes the 13th will do the trick. But no one seems interested in attacking Carlos Slim, a bazillionare who years ago came to the rescue of the New York Times. One imagines Slim reading articles like this with the amusement of a patriarch sitting on the balcony, watching the children play in the garden below.

“Are you having fun, children?”

“Oh, yes! We are reconfiguring the societal order to re­allocate assets towards a justice-based economic model that ensures equity and prioritizes sustainability!”

“That’s nice. Remember to wash up before dinner.”

“Hygiene is a social construct that imposes a racially devised hierarchical model of purity!”

Here the patriarch either chuckles indulgently or has their tutor summoned so he can be shot on the spot.

If these kids really wanted to destroy capitalism, they’d pour their money into a time machine so they could go back and strangle baby Adam Smith in his cradle. That would do it. While they’re at it, strangle baby Andrew Carnegie.

Idea for NYT writers: “Meet the Rich Kids Who Want to Demolish Every Carnegie Library.” Heck, it writes itself:

“‘They were built on stolen land with stolen money,’ says Brad Tarmdowne III, whose bio lists his pronouns as ‘blerg’ and ‘whosis.’” Bonus: possible NYT style-section piece about people incorporating fashionable rubble of Carnegie libraries into the gardens of their second homes.