A Few Questions

“And now I’ll take a few questions. Ron?”

“Mr. President, a lot of Americans are concerned about inflation and the economy, the Russian military moves threatening Ukraine, China, the state of the Covid pandemic right now, and they want to know what your favorite sandwich is. Is it a BLT? Is it a ham-on-rye situation?”

“Steve, I’m so glad you asked that. I guess if I had my druthers I’d go for a turkey, maybe a club-sandwich-type deal. But before I go I need to ask you a question. Why are all of you guys in your underwear? And why do I seem to be running in sand?”

“Mr. President? Mr. President?”

“Yes?”

“You dozed off there for a moment.”

“Yes?”

“We’re here in the Oval Office, talking about how we’re going to deal with the voting-rights bill in the Senate and the strategy to reset the administration’s direction.”

“I know where we are.”

“It’s Tuesday at eleven in the morning.”

“I know!”

“We’re in the middle of a meeting.”

“I know. Keep going, I’m listening.”

“Sir, with all due respect, if you’re too tired for this — ”

“I am not too tired! And I’m getting sick of people telling me I’m dozing off when I am merely listening with my eyes closed.”

“Um, okay. So, Ron, our plan for the reset is that we introduce some new initiatives that connect with working Americans. We’ve made a chart listing the biggest concerns — schools, especially, among parents, and the economy, but we’re thinking fuel prices might be the first focus.”

“What do you think, Barack?”

“I think you’re in big trouble, Joe. In the first place, you’re pushing all the wrong stuff, and in the second, you’re wearing a very heavy raincoat.”

“Yeah, I am. Why is that, you guys? What are you? Squirrels? Chipmunks?”

“We’re doctors, Joe.”

“Ha! Chipmunks! And you’re dressed like short-order cooks. Remember those? Boy oh boy, going into a diner and smelling the fresh coffee and the grill. It’s all scrambled eggs up there now, isn’t it, fellas? In the old noggin o’ mine?”

“’Fraid so, Joe. Remember those words?”

“Person, man, TV, and what’s the next one?”

“You got ’em wrong, Joey.”

“Hey! Who let my first-grade teacher in here? Person, man, woman, camera, TV! TV!”

“Sir?”

“What?”

“We were talking about the recent poll numbers and then suddenly you jolted awake — ”

“Hey now!”

“Excuse me, suddenly you jolted . . . upright . . . and said ‘TV’ and I guess we are all wondering what that might mean in the context of this meeting. That we are having. Here in the Oval Office. On a Tuesday morning. Of your presidency. The Biden presidency. Which is yours. Because you are Joe Biden. As I’m sure you recall.”

“I don’t think I like your tone.”

“Sir, would you prefer it if we met as a group and then came back to you with a few concrete proposals?”

“No I would not prefer it if you met as a group and then came back to me with a few concrete proposals, which I think you’ll agree are almost the exact words you used just moments ago, proving that I am in fact wide awake and listening and in charge of my, you know, my . . . my . . . things in my head . . . What am I trying to say?”

“Your faculties, sir?”

“Right. Those. And when I mentioned television earlier, what I was getting at, and maybe I was going too fast for you young people, was that I should go on television, connect with the people, real people, not Beltway types. Get me on a plane and send me out to, you know, this country, which I know has a specific name but just at the moment — ”

“America.”

“Yes, thank you! Get me out there, on the hustings, on TV and whatnot.”

“Sort of, let Biden be Biden?”

“Yes! Now you’re getting it.”

“Well, sir, that’s an interesting idea. And to be honest, we’ve been avoiding personal appearances and television events because so many of them last longer than seven minutes, which to be frank seems to be what some doctors call the ‘window of lucidity,’ but, Ron, what do you think? Should we map out a potential 30-day direct-to-the-people television strategy?”

“There are either too many chairs for this table or not enough table, which makes sense because this is my old dining room from way back when, Scranton, I think, and that place was always too small, plus there aren’t any stairs and hey! Cupcakes! Plus I think there are a lot of very pretty girls just in the next room, I think I’ll go say hello, but for some reason my legs are so heavy! I can’t stand up! I can’t stand!”

“Mr. President?”

“Don’t answer them, Joe. Eventually they’ll stop asking.”

“Thanks, Madam Justice Sotomayor.”

“Mr. President?”

“Mr. President?”

“Mr. President?”