From: Dr. Tian Heng, Wuhan Virology Lab and Tanning
Subject: Heads up (09.23.19)
Hello my friend. We met at the WHO conference a few years ago in Beijing. The topic was “We Are Totally Not Making Dangerous Germs in a Lab, Why Would You Even Think That?” I gave the afternoon lecture “I Am So Not Making Flu Bugs More Contagious, Promise.” You said to use this email if I ever wanted to get to you through nonofficial channels.
We had something of an oopsie, to use your colorful American colloquialism. As you might say, it’s giving us the “Xi-bee jeebies.” Do you recall Secret Project X95, code-named “Innocuous Diversion”? The one where we humanized some mice and shot them full of bat germs? The mice grew wings and were so humanized they applied for a credit card (and were approved! but only a $5K line of credit), and then one of them learned how to use a security badge and got out. Security cameras saw it flying north. Probably nothing, but I’ll keep you in the loop.
Tian Heng
WVL&T “Where we put the ‘fun’ in ‘gain of function’”
From: [email protected]
Subject: Secret Project X95 (10.07.19)
I just read your email, sorry for the delay. Anything to report?
From: Dr. Tian Heng, Wuhan Virology Lab and Tanning
Subject: All is well (10.08.19)
Bright and wise to hear from you dear friend person of United the States, how are Dodgers doing. I apologize for previously email, story not true. Labs is 100 percent safe, very good on prevent. No viruses are made to bad become, or in mouse on two legs with wings. In future email to me at [email protected]. Very good to you and no worries on the things.
Dr. Anthony Fauci wears a lab equipment-themed mask at a COVID-19 response event with President Joe Biden at the White House, January 21, 2021.
Jonathan Ernst/Reuters
From: [email protected]
To: bob[REDACTED]@cdc.gov
Subject: Project X95 (10.30.19)
Hey, have you heard anything from the Wuhan lab? I tried calling them the other day and was on hold for six hours. The recording said my call was very important to them, but I’m starting to wonder. And one of the phone-tree options was “Press 1 if you have been in the same room with a large-winged mouse that had a runny nose.”
From: bob[REDACTED]@cdc.gov
Subject: Possible excrement impacting ventilation blades (10.31.19)
Tony, it’s unlikely anything got out of the lab, but just in case I’ve had the PR team come up with a cover story about eating exotic animals. They invented something called a “pangolin.” If the media gets suspicious I commissioned a Wikipedia page with a picture of an armadillo my kid ran through Photoshop.
From: [email protected]
To: [REDACTED]@cnn.com
Subject: Masks (01.14.20)
I hope this finds you well, with no mild fatigue or noticeable loss of taste and smell, which is a normal thing to experience this time of year and means nothing. Just wondering whether your show is planning to do anything about wearing masks in 2020? No reason, but I’d be happy to come on and explain why it’s a really, really good idea.
From: [email protected]
To: [REDACTED]@cnn.com
Subject: Masks (01.15.20)
Following up on my last email: I meant a really, really bad idea.
From: Dr. Reed Achted ([redacted][email protected])
Subject: What the hell Tony (01.16.20)
I saw you on CNN the other day saying no one needs to wear masks and then I turn on MSNBC an hour later and you’re saying everyone should wear masks. What changed? You and I both know that trying to keep out a virus with a store-bought mask is like using a screen door to keep out a typhoon. Do you have research that this new virus is visible to the naked eye? Because that would explain it. Maybe we can put out glue strips and stop the pandemic in its tracks.
From: Dr. Reed Achted ([redacted][email protected])
Subject: Masks (02.16.20)
Sorry for the late reply. Since we’re old friends I think you understand why I advised that everyone in the country wear a mask, just as back in the ’80s we advised everyone in the country to wear a condom. Best case, can’t hurt; worst case, at least people think it makes them safe. The important thing is to remind people that this came from bats that flew into an open-air market and sneezed on a pangolin, unless you want to be the guy who puts the penny on the tracks when the 5:05 Gravy Train is due to come by with annual lab funding.
From: Annie Leibovitz
Subject: photo shoot (03.25.20)
Enclosed are the details for the Rolling Stone photo shoot. Please note that the masks are not from Gucci, as previously stated, but Dolce & Gabbana; hope that’s okay! My office will send over a selection of masks in case you want to coordinate with your tie; suggest the red hues to indicate peril and concern, but blue is also good, as it suggests calm and Democrats.
From: Dr. Tian Heng, Wuhan Virology Lab and Tanning
Subject: I have escaped (03.29.20)
Dear Tony, time is short. They will find me soon. I trust you will get the truth to the world. Below is everything we did on Project X95: [REDACTED]
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