All Hail the Great and Powerful, Merciful and Magnificent!

Blessings on He Who Commands the Earth and the Seas and the Heavens!

1. “Deep Horizon” Oil Platform Leak

Obviously, sir, the people still love and admire you. You are, in many ways, the Father of the Nation, and it goes without saying that your magnificent and generous leadership is recognized by all — including our despised enemies on the right. Even they tremble at your exalted greatness, at the piercing beauty of your eyes.

Please don’t be angry. The situation continues to worsen. Nightly tracking polls suggest a serious decline in voter confidence in a hypothetical president’s leadership ability. The people naturally don’t blame you — how could they? — but there is a growing sense in the counties and townships that perhaps you are not well served by your assistants and advisers. “If only he knew,” the voters seem to say, “he’d surely fix this terrible disaster.”

We continue to press BP, sir, for more progress. We have conveyed to them your extreme displeasure. And we have commanded them in your name to seal the leak.

What we have not done, sir — and here we risk eliciting more of your wrath — justified, of course — but what we have not done, yet, is take your suggestion that we address the hole itself, convene a meeting with it, and command it in your name to seal and cease its leakage.

Couple of problems with that approach, sir, if you’ll permit us. Depth, for one. That far under the surface of the sea, the normal human body (not yours, of course, sir, but the ordinary one) would be crushed by the weight of so much water. Special contraptions must be designed and built to adequately protect your messenger as he descends the depths in order to issue your no-compromises directive to the broken oil hole.

Also: There’s a lot of media around, and your communications team is concerned that this kind of solution — though perfectly understandable to us, in the White House — might just lend credence to our disloyal and seditious enemies in the far-right media monolith who complain about an “imperial presidency” and the “ego-in-chief.”

2. Israel

The global uproar following the Israeli commando raid on an aid vessel running the Gaza blockade continues to grow. People around the world, sir, continue to look to your good self for leadership and guidance.

As you rightly point out, sir, it would be inappropriate for you to return to Jerusalem in the near future. That would set off a whole chain of events, as described in the Book of Revelation.

We know — all of us, sir, who are privileged to serve you humbly — how hard you’ve been concentrating on this problem. We’ve seen you sitting at your desk, eyes shut, sending out powerful, almost supernatural brainwaves in the direction of the Middle East. And yet, as of this morning, Israeli leader Benjamin Netanyahu has been unresponsive to both your attempts at telepathic control and your magical abilities to shapeshift.

Suggestion: Ignore the raid.

3. Opinion Polls

In your wisdom, you ignore the trumped-up and clearly biased quote-unquote surveys taken by companies in the pocket of the dangerous radical domestic terrorists of the far-right media, the better to concentrate on more accurate and scientific measurements of exactly how beloved you are. So, how are the polls?

In a word, sir, they are soaring. You hover at a 128 percent approval rating, which is all the more impressive because it is statistically impossible. Among Democrats and independents, you continue to rank in a high cluster of figures, among such luminaries as Batman, Louis Pasteur, the Buddha, and Paul Bunyan. Among Republicans not deranged and driven mad by the insidious forces of the hated right-wing media behemoth, you maintain a scientifically unassailable 100 percent approval rating.

4. North Korea

The recent events in the region have once again stirred up this trouble spot in your Wider Kingdom. A multinational group of investigators has conclusively proved that the recent sinking of a South Korean ship was the work of North Korea. Tensions are rising. Our Chinese cousins are sending mixed signals. The South Koreans are demanding action.

What is or is not going on inside the Hermit Kingdom is hard to say. As you know, sir, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il maintains an almost mesmerizing grip on the public there, and what pass as the “news media” in that country are nothing more than an echo chamber of praise, celebrations, and, frankly, fantasy-spinning about the powers and accomplishments of their egomaniacal, out-of-touch leader. In addition, it’s unclear what, if anything, Kim knows. He has surrounded himself with sycophants and toadies — exactly what you, in your brilliance and shrewdness, refused to do, sir, when you took office! All America loves you, sir! — and that makes him all the more strange and hard to figure out. How can anyone deal with a guy like that?

This concludes the Daily Briefing. We abjectly apologize for its shabbiness and its awkward lack of grace, and we pray that you’ll forgive us for our ignorance and stupidity and lack of insight. You remain, sir, the light that guides us, the word that heals us, the mind that thinks for us.

Yours in Truth,

Your Humble, Unworthy Presidential Daily Briefing Staff

All Hail the Great and Powerful, Merciful and Magnificent!

Blessings on He Who Commands the Earth and the Seas and the Heavens!