PODCAST TRANSCRIPT:

Huma Abedin: From high atop the HillaryDome, in a pantsuit made entirely out of right-wing tears, it’s the Hiiiiillllllllarrrrry Cllllllinnntonnnn Podcast!

(Pre-recorded applause)

Hillary Clinton: Hahahaha. Hahahaha. That’s a fun introduction, Huma, and I am enjoying the fun and lively nature of it, by laughing as I did just now and will again, as soon as I finish this sentence. Hahahaha hahaha. Haha. Fun!

Huma Abedin: We’ve got a great show today, Hillary.

Hillary Clinton: We do! I’m really excited to dive into it. We’re going to talk politics and policy and maybe even throw a little pop culture into the mix, but before we do I want to talk a little bit about mattresses. You know, on the campaign trail or at home in Chappaqua with my husband with whom I live in a normal marriage that isn’t weird or transactional at all, you know, I . . . was talking about . . . um . . .

Huma Abedin: Casper Mattresses! Just the right give, just the right bounce!

Hillary Clinton: Yes! Right! Friends, we’re proud to have Casper Mattresses as a sponsor of HillaryPod, and I’m not just a fan of their advanced technology and superior construction, I’m also here to say that I get a great night’s sleep on the Casper Mattress in my bedroom—our bedroom—ours. Our bedroom.

Huma Abedin: Great product! Wonderful sponsor! Hey, let’s talk primaries!

(Pre-recorded applause)

Hillary Clinton: Oh, gosh. Crazy times, am I right? Been there, done that, as the kids say. Folks, here’s my analysis. Sorry to see Pete and Amy go—both of them were terrific second- or third-tier candidates—and glad that the party is focusing on choosing between Bernie or Joe, who as you know I am just a total fan of. Joe is the best, really. And from my perspective, if it has to be one or the other to face Donald Trump in November, well, hey, I say let’s all give Joe the nod and hope that his current behavior isn’t indicative of some kind of advanced dementia or maybe he’s just tired, I don’t know. There’s so much here that we can’t predict and can’t know. But I do know that if you or your business are looking to build a world-class website, you don’t need to look further than Square Space, that’s right folks, Square Space. They can help you build and design a website for your business or your brand, and it all comes at a very affordable price. Check out Square Space and use the coupon code “I’MWITHHER,” that’s “I’m, With, Her,” all one word, and get 15 percent off your brand-new website with Square Space, the leader in Web hosting and design and a proud sponsor of the HillaryPod.

(Pre-recorded applause)

Huma Abedin: You know, Hills, I was just browsing around the Web and saw a fun website that’s a Square Space site for sure, called—and I know this is gonna make you crazy—but it’s called “hillaryin2020.com” and it’s—

Hillary Clinton: Stop! Crazy! I am laughing really hard at this humorous and totally spontaneous thing you are saying! Hahahaha. Haha. Hahaha.

Huma Abedin: Well, you know, it’s interesting, because there really is a movement out there to draft you for the nomination. It’s been a crazy process and it seems like voters aren’t happy with either Biden or Bernie—

Hillary Clinton: You know, we talked about this on the last podcast.

Huma Abedin: And the podcast before that.

Hillary Clinton: Well, let me just make sure I’m clear with the folks that are all, Oh Hillary you have to run, Oh Hillary you’re amazing and the best and a hero and you deserve it, and Oh Hillary we are unworthy of your greatness, and Oh Hillary we shall sacrifice a baby human on your altar and set fire to—

Huma Abedin: You were saying? About the Draft Hillary movement?

Hillary Clinton: Right. Where was I? Oh, yeah, look, it’s such an outlandish and unlikely-to-happen event. I mean, what are people saying? That Joe should win enough delegates to stop Bernie and then at the convention when it’s time to choose, people realize that Joe thinks he’s an astronaut on Planet Nutso, and then they realize that I actually got 3 million more votes than Trump and that if I just spend some time in Michigan and Wisconsin it’ll be like a no-brainer? And so then they call me from the hotel where I’m staying, which is luckily really close to the convention hall, and I walk the floor and everyone is cheering and whatnot? I mean, really?

Huma Abedin: So you’re ruling it out?

Hillary Clinton: The only thing I’m ruling out are high interest rates and closing costs, which is why I love Lending Tree. That’s right folks, if your monthly payments are getting you down and you’re carrying credit-card debt at some crazy interest rate, then Lending Tree is for you. Use the coupon code HILLARYPOD2020 and get 15 percent off your Lending Tree set-up fee!

(Pre-recorded applause)