Daily Schedule

Office of the President of the United States

0530-0600 Rises in the White House residence, receives overnight briefings. Does 15–20 minutes of “senior slow-robics” using iPad app and one flexible band.

0645 Visit from the White House Physician for daily COVID-19 briefing and exam. Vital signs remain strong. POTUS remains in the top percentile for physical fitness in his age cohort. Mental acuity remains {REDACTED DUE TO HIPPA GUIDELINES}.

0700 Is reminded that Gerald R. Ford is no longer POTUS.

0705 Begins workday in the Oval Office.

0710 Is reminded that bust of Franklin Delano Roosevelt is not a large chocolate egg.

0725 Is brought a large chocolate egg.

0730 Call with VPOTUS for status update and to ask if every computer gets the same email, as it’s different all the time. VPOTUS tries to walk POTUS through on using the browser menu until POTUS gets frustrated.

0800 Breakfast meeting with Senate Majority Leader and Speaker of the House to discuss political and policy matters and also to wonder why young people these days have no respect. Senate Majority Leader attempts to steer conversation back to the topic and is reminded by POTUS and SOH that he’s young, he doesn’t get it yet, but wait until he’s in his 80s and suddenly all the young sharks like him will look at their breakfast of grapefruit and All Bran at which point both POTUS and SOH begin to doze peacefully.

1105 Briefing on COVID-19 re­sponse. POTUS nods throughout and remains alert.

1357 Accident in {REDACTED DUE TO HIPPA GUIDELINES} gray suit due to {REDACTED DUE TO HIPPA GUIDELINES} and was assured by staff and others that no one noticed and in any case that’s why they all recommended that he wear the adult {REDACTED DUE TO HIPPA GUIDELINES} daily.

1445 Meeting with Senate Minority Leader to discuss ways to move forward with domestic agenda. Wide-ranging conversation about political priorities and ways the two parties might work together and what’s with the tight pants men seem to be wearing, with those shoes with the two straps, what’s the deal with those? And have you noticed no one says “sir” or “ma’am” anymore, and if you think that isn’t a problem then you’ve got another thing coming, brother.

1452 Both POTUS and Senate Minority Leader doze peacefully for a few moments until Senate Minority Leader is awoken by the sound of {REDACTED DUE TO HIPPA GUIDELINES}

1525 POTUS looks out of the window for a while and tells a story about going to camp when he was a boy, no, wait, was it camp? What was the name of that person who did that camp? It was a church thing, he thinks. Something his mom and dad wanted him to do, and anyway, the thing is, this camp was so far away, farther away than that thing, that tall thing right there, with the tall thing that looks like it has a little house on it.

1550 Once again attempts to eat Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

1600 Call with VPOTUS for updates and also to ask why there are so many remotes for the TV and how to watch a Netflix show on Amazon. Becomes perturbed by the explanation that Netflix is a service like Amazon, so you can’t really watch something from one thing on the other. POTUS ex­plains that he knows that but he doesn’t mean Netflix, he just means that the Netflix TV doesn’t get Amazon. VPOTUS and the Communications Director attempt to explain via telephone that the TV is just a TV, it gets everything, at which point both VPOTUS and the Deputy Special Assistant for Communi­cations convene in the private dining room to walk POTUS through the process.

1630 Dinner with the FLOTUS. POTUS is concerned that it’s too late to eat.

1745 Jeopardy! and Wheel of Fortune. POTUS begins to wonder aloud whether Vanna White is someone he might give the Presidential Medal of Freedom to. FLOTUS guides the conversation back to detecting which simple phrase is hidden behind the lighted rectangles.

1900 Call with VPOTUS in re matters of domestic and international policy and for advice and guidance turning off the television. Asks for help on what time email is delivered. Is mildly upset to discover that no one is going to take him to the mall tomorrow, and is reminded by VPOTUS that it’s nothing to be upset about, they can go to the mall at any time.

2025 Sleep monitors attached to {REDACTED DUE TO HIPPA GUIDELINES}

2027 Monitors confirm POTUS is asleep.