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Meeting ID: 804 311 1983

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“Mr. Secretary, are you there?”

“I’m here, but can I not do video for this? I’ve got these two things strapped to my chest, sort of like those Camelback deals you use for water when you’re camping or cross-country running? And they just look weird when the babies are, you know, nursing on my bags. But you like that, don’t you, Rose? Honey, can you fix the nipple on this one?”

“Is that a work call? Pete, we talked about this. You are on paternity leave. That means no calls. No work.”

“Chasten, I know, okay? I’ll make it very quick, I promise.”

“In Belgium they — ”

“Well we’re not in Belgium. And I’m secretary of transportation and there’s, I don’t know, there’s a crisis? Laura, what’s this call about?”

“Sir, as you know, there’s a tremendous bottleneck at the nation’s ports. Container ships are stacking up in our waterways and there’s a shortage both of ground transportation and rail stock to distribute the shipping containers. The price of gasoline is soaring across the country, and with rising prices and a shortage of goods it’s becoming a cascade of economic pressures that are threatening to reverse the small gains we’ve made in the post-COVID economic recovery. In this context, the staff feels that the department needs to come up with a comprehensive plan to address the knot of issues that have brought our transportation systems to a near standstill.”

“Honey, look at them nursing on my rubber bags. So adorable.”

“Oh! I could eat them up! Let me get a shot of this for the Insta.”

“Use portrait mode and fuzz out the computer screen. I don’t want people seeing that and getting the idea that I’m not on paternity leave.”

“Totes. Sends the wrong message.”

“Sir?”

“Yes, Laura?”

“Did you hear me? I was talking about the problems we’re facing — ”

“I heard you, Laura. And for your information, I’m not totally checked out, okay? I’m keeping up with things. We all watched Good Morning America today, right Chas?”

“Did we? I don’t know. I was busy changing diapers.”

“Chasten, what’s with the tone?”

“What tone?”

“That tone.”

“I don’t know what tone you mean. You say we all watched Good Morning America, but really you watched it while the babies were asleep and Chasten did laundry and waited for the babies to wake up so that Chasten could change diapers and Chasten could strap on the rubber bags for feeding time.”

“I said I was sorry.”

“You’re always sorry.”

“I’m on it, Laura, I promise. My family leave is officially over in a few weeks and I’ll be back at my desk right after Thanksgiving.”

“You’re taking Christmas off, right? Pete, the children need you around for Christmas.”

“Honey, can you maybe just take a walk for a few? I need to finish this conversation.”

“Here we go. Shut up, Crazy Chasten. You’re being unreasonable, Crazy Chasten.”

“Sir, I’ll be blunt. Your family leave is becoming a political liability.”

“What is? My paternity leave? Good Lord! I’ve only been out of the office for barely twelve weeks! In Belgium, it’s, what, honey?”

“Sixteen weeks.”

“And in France, it’s, what?”

“In France you aren’t required to return to work at all. I wish we lived in Europe. They’re so free there.”

“Right. See?”

“We’re getting a lot of pressure, sir. Not just from the press, but from inside the Oval Office. There’s a feeling that — again, understanding that it’s your right to take family leave — but there’s a feeling that most Americans want government to solve the big problems, and they want to see us taking action.”

“I am taking action, Laura. I am raising two children in a safe and nurturing environment.”

“Sir, with all due respect, America’s transportation system is in crisis and our perceived lack of action is contributing directly to the free fall of the administration’s poll numbers. Is there some way that your home duties might be taken over by your spouse so that you could return to the office?”

“She did not just say that.”

“Chasten, enough. I will handle this. Laura, I hear you, but this is crucial bonding time for me and Rose and Joseph. In, I don’t know, 30 years, am I going to say, ‘Gee, I’m glad I raced back to the office to make sure stuff got off some boats?’ Or am I going to say, ‘Wasn’t it amazing to watch my two newborns suckle at my artificial polyurethane teats?’”

“Um . . .”

“I think you know the answer to that one. I’m pressing ‘Leave Meeting’ now. See you later next month.”

“Sir!”

“Chasten, hand me the wipes.”