From the Iranian airwaves . . .

OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT:

The McKhameini Group

[SFX: Martial theme music]

AHMAD McKHAMEINI: Issue One! The Tehran-around! After last week’s inconclusive and murky election for the leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran, both Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Mir-Hossein Mousavi have claimed victory. Unruly mobs have gathered in the streets, rioting has taken place, and there’s a growing sense that the current administration is losing its grip. Question: How long will it take the Islamic Republic to heal these civic wounds? I ask you, Ayatollah Ali Azadi, chief religious correspondent for the Bandar-e-Abbas Times.

AYATOLLAH ALI AZADI: How long? Hard to say, Ahmad. There’s a lot that needs to be done. First, we must reassert control over the streets and the people. Then, we must chop off the hands of the protesters. Then, we must behead Mousavi and upload the videotape to YouTube. Only after that can the people using illegal Internet access be burned alive in the public square.

AHMAD McKHAMEINI: And then the healing starts?

AYATOLLAH ALI AZADI: Exactly. Thereabouts.

AHMAD McKHAMEINI: Is this correct? I ask you, Irshad Yazd, women’s columnist for the Hamadan News Service.

IRSHAD YAZD: Mmmm, hmmm brrrrrn hmmmmm hummmm mmmmmm, wammmmm mrrrrp brrrrn.

AHMAD McKHAMEINI: Hard to understand from underneath the headdress, but I’m going to go with “yes.”

KALEMEH CHEGINI: I think she said that it will take barely six days, and that by the seventh day the country will rally behind Mr. Ahmadinejad.

AHMAD McKHAMEINI: How could you make out what she said?

KALEMEH CHEGINI: The TV studio lights are so bright, I can just make out the outline of her face through the black cloth, and I happen to be able to lip-read.

AYATOLLAH ALI AZADI: The brazen whore is correct. It will take six days. She will have to be stoned to death, though, for her promiscuous use of too-thin black cloth and thereby encouraging prostitution.

IRSHAD YAZD: Mmmmm hmpppp, mmmmmrrrrp frrrrppp!

AHMAD McKHAMEINI: Issue Two! Hanging chador! As voters struggle to reconcile themselves with the orders of the Guardian Council, recounts are going on in various provinces around the country. Scrutiny is particularly acute in the southern beach provinces around Bushehr. Question: Were voting irregularities there enough to tip the scales to Ahmadinejad? I ask you, Reza Karroubi, chief political analyst for IranNN.

REZA KARROUBI: Look, Ahmad, let’s be honest. The provinces that we’re talking about here — in and around Bushehr, Shiraz, maybe up to Chongha Zabil — these are pretty much backwaters. I think, honestly, that people just didn’t understand the ballots down there. A lot of them are elderly, moved down that way years ago to enjoy the Gulf lifestyle and get away from the craziness of the cities, and I think they looked at the confusing ballot and simply miscast their vote.

IRSHAD YAZD: Kkrrrrmmmm trp, mmmrt grrrnnn zp.

AHMAD McKHAMEINI: Silence, whore.

KALEMEH CHEGINI: I disagree. Look, the farther south you go in this country, the greater the appetite for reform. Voters look at places like Saudi Arabia and Kuwait and think, “Maybe liberal places like that have the right idea.”

AYATOLLAH ALI AZADI: Who says that? What are their names? They must be put to death immediately.

KALEMEH CHEGINI: I’m talking about the poll data. It’s really very conclusive.

AHMAD McKHAMEINI: Exit Question! One a scale of one to ten — one being absolutely impossible, something along the lines of me becoming a rabbi and directing a Tehran High School of the Performing Arts production of The Diary of Anne Frank, and ten meaning metaphysical certitude, along the lines of the Netherlands becoming an Islamic Republic — how likely is it that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is president of Iran in six months? Reza?

REZA KARROUBI: The situation in the south is iffy. The people along the northern border don’t like him. He’s got the cities and the big unions. But that might not be enough. I’m giving him a six.

AHMAD McKHAMEINI: Kalemeh “the Dilemma” Chegini?

KALEMEH CHEGINI: Reza is wrong. It’s barely a five.

AHMAD McKHAMEINI: A five?

KALEMEH CHEGINI: Look, the whole world is against him. What’s he going to do? Use a nuclear weapon?

AYATOLLAH ALI AZADI: You got it! What do we have them for, anyway? Turn Tabriz into glass if that’s what it takes.

AHMAD McKHAMEINI: But we’re saving those bombs for Israel.

AYATOLLAH ALI AZADI: We can make more! Look, Ahmad, we’re struggling here for the sovereignty of the Islamic Republic, and its ability to survive this election madness. Nowhere in the Koran does it say that your vote can override the supreme leader’s. Nowhere in the Koran does it say that each province gets to conduct by-hand recounts using different standards and without any guidance from the Islamic courts.

KALEMEH CHEGINI: So you’re against any hand recounts?

AYATOLLAH ALI AZADI: If it were up to me, those guys calling for hand recounts wouldn’t have hands to count with. The answer, Ahmad, is nine.

AHMAD McKHAMEINI: You’re both wrong. The answer is seven.

IRSHAD YAZD: Kkkkrrtttt, yrpp mrst hmmmm.

AHMAD McKHAMEINI: Silence, whore. Bye-bye!