20 August 1485 London

Present: HRH Richard III, Catesby, Ratcliffe, others, members of media-advisory council, members of HRH Publicke Opinion Research Ltd., and &c.

Notes taken by: Viscount Lovell, administrative interne

Ales and meatstuffs are distributed to the assembled gentlemen as Ericke from HRH Publicke Opinion Research Ltd. prepares his presentation.

At the pleasure of His Majesty Richard III, the presentation begins with a summary of the research findings, indicating that HRH is still strongly supported in traditional York strongholds — his numbers remain strong though have softened somewhat. The feeling from the research suggests that Yorkists are disappointed in some of the things HRH has left undone, such as War with Scotland and the conspirators of the Buckingham rebellion who remain un-headless.

At this, HRH bristled.

“And where is the gratitude for what we have done?” HRH demanded, enumerating many of the positives of his reign, including the College of Arms, better trade deals, reining in the Courts of Piepowders.

Catesby and Ratcliffe agree.

Further research suggests that York support is simply not enough for HRH to retain his current slim lead against Bolingbroke, whom many see as the lesser of two evils.

“If we were to have the Battle of Bosworth today,” says publicke opinion, “we would lose.”

“Show me the crosstabs!” thunders HRH.

“Show us the crosstabs!” shout Ratcliffe and Catesby.

Crosstabs from the publicke-opinion research are then presented to the team. In certain segments of the population — notably, indentured or formerly indentured tradesmen of Angle or Saxon descent — HRH’s popularity has in­deed softened, though it’s unclear whether Bolingbroke’s popularity has risen in proportion.

Among merchants and winemongers, HRH remains popular, mostly due to his efforts to secure import levies and Genoese cloth embargoes. But farmers in southern and western regions have abandoned him and show a strong preference for Bolingbroke.

Ratcliffe asks about the female, or distaff, numbers. Do they too show a decline? Before the researcher can begin his answer, Ratcliffe stops him. “I was joking, you idiot! Who cares about what the women think? They don’t get a vote!” There are chuckles in the room.

“What is that word, ‘vote’?” asks HRH.

Catesby tells him it’s nothing, just a bawdy joke from a currently popular troubadour song, and motions the researcher to continue.

Among the elderly and infirm — ages 35 to 45 — HRH is still popular within the margin of error. But young Englishmen just beginning their careers — ages 11 to 16 — are concerned about the future and feel that HRH does not “align with their values.”

HRH waves his pork chop at the researcher. “Tell us what this all means, man.”

The researcher takes a deep breath.

“The people, sire, want change.”

Catesby senses that HRH is becoming bored and impatient and suggests the meeting be adjourned. HRH re­moves his pork chop to loudly agree.

Ericke from HRH Publicke Opinion Research Ltd. timidly mentions one final thing, and brings up the discredited fake scandal of the so-called murdered princes in the tower, which sets HRH off on a tear. “No more of this crazy hoax!” HRH cries, infuriated. But it’s clear that Bolingbroke has continued to mention the utterly discredited story in his speeches to French nobility (“Of course! They hate me!” shouts HRH), so it remains an issue.

Catesby suggests that perhaps the King could make a formal address, or handbills and leaflets could be distributed by friendly clergy. Ratcliffe remarks that it’s important to “let HRH be HRH.”

To which the researcher replies that if the people have grown tired of HRH — and here he gives a nervous look and curtsey to HRH — but if some of the people have inexplicably grown weary of HRH, perhaps the solution is not more HRH but less, meaning: fewer handbills and leaflets in general.

HRH shrugs. “Can these numbers be trusted? Seems to me I recall being told a war with France was unpopular — wrong! — and that Buckingham’s rebellion would be the end of me — still here! — and that no one would permit me to set up the Court of Requests — did it anyway! So, you know, maybe this is what’s happening here. There are a lot of people out there who love me, okay? Love me. But when someone like you who they don’t know comes up to them with your velvet stockings and your poufy pants and asks them a lot of questions when they just want to get the oxen hitched or pick the beetles out of the day’s loaf or just simply bury their dead, what are they gonna do? They’re gonna clam up, is what they’re gonna do.”

“The shy Yorkist, sir,” says Catesby.

“Yes! Yes!” cries HRH. “The shy Yorkist. The closet Ricardian. Right.”

“You know something, Mister Smarty Person?” HRH asks the re­searcher, who trembles in fright before the angry King. “You know something, Mister Knows Every­thing? Maybe somebody oughta poll you! Get it? ‘Pole’? Pole you? Like, take a pole and run it right through you?”

Catesby and Ratcliffe erupt in laughter as the pollster is disemboweled. Everyone is too exhausted to discuss preparing for the Battle of Bosworth and the meeting is adjourned.