“Brother’s Keeper” (Season 1, Episode 3)

FADE IN:

INT. KITCHEN – AFTERNOON

CHRIS and CRISTINA are sitting at the table, drinking coffee.

Chris: I’ll tell him, I promise!

Cristina: Today, Chris! He goes today.

Chris: I’ll talk to him.

Cristina: No, you’ll tell him.

Chris: He’s my big brother, Cristina. What am I supposed to say? “Hey, Andrew, too bad about having to resign the governorship and too bad you don’t have a house to go to, but you can’t stay – ”

FORMER GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO enters from the living room. He’s in a very short robe and that’s pretty much it.

Andrew: – stay where, little bro?

CHRIS wheels around.

Chris: Um, stay . . . in . . . your pajamas all day! C’mon, bro, you gotta bounce back, we were just saying that, weren’t we, Cristina? Andy’s gotta bounce back, get back in the game . . .

Andrew: You guys are kicking me out, aren’t you?

Chris: No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Cristina: Yes.

Andrew: I can’t believe you’re doing this to me! Is this how Dad taught us to treat family?

Chris: Actually, it’s exactly how Dad taught us to treat family.

Andrew: Cristina, did Chris tell you about my terrific idea?

Cristina: Which one? The one where the two of you open a “gentlemen’s club” together?

Andrew: Coulda worked. I have the contacts.

Chris: Andrew, c’mon.

Andrew: I meant the show. Look, we all know the Don Lemon thing isn’t really working. Zero chemistry. Nobody buys the BFF act. But what about a two-hour “Governor and His Brother” show? Same slot, maybe jazz up the graphics. Would be huge.

Chris: Andrew, again, I can’t –

Andrew: Just ask, is all I’m saying. Just ask. Have Zucker call me. I have the whole pitch.

Chris: Andy, I wish I could. But I’m hanging on by a thread there myself.

Cristina: We’ve decided, Andrew. You have to go.

Andrew: I knew it. What was it? Be honest. Was it the hugs?

Cristina: The hugs didn’t help. We got a lot of complaints. The Amazon guy won’t even come up the driveway anymore.

Andrew: Hey, that was not my fault. The guy runs around with an earring and long hair? He’s got to expect some attention.

Chris: Bro, let’s face it. You have a problem.

Andrew: I have a problem? Seriously? What do we even know about this so-called Amazon delivery guy? If in fact he is a guy at all? I really think it’s worth digging a little into his – or her – background and seeing what’s there.

Cristina: Andrew –

Andrew: Please. We’re family. Call me “Governor.”

Cristina: Andrew, I’m serious. You’ve been here six months already. It’s time for you to find your own place. Today.

Andrew: But –

Cristina: Today.

She exits. ANDREW and CHRIS watch her leave.

Chris: Sorry, bro. She can be a little, you know, tough.

Andrew: Yeah, but she sure looks good walking away, know what I mean?

Chris: Dude, please.

Andrew: Shake it but don’t break it! Wrap it up and I’ll take it, amirite?

Chris: Inappropriate.

Andrew: You know your problem? No joie de vivre, that’s your problem.

DON LEMON enters from the exterior kitchen door.

Don: You ready, Chris?

Chris: Just a sec, Don. I gotta get my thesaurus. I want to use some new words tonight.

CHRIS exits to the living room.

Don: No prob. (Then, seeing Andrew) Oh. Hello.

Andrew: (Chilly) Hello, Donald. You and Chris are carpooling again?

Don: It would seem so.

Andrew: And I suppose tonight I will be treated to another 60-minute Kathy Hochul love fest.

Don: I don’t really want to discuss it.

Andrew: She’s got a nice little figure, I admit. Knows how to work it.

Don: Stop.

Andrew: So do you, actually. In your world, I’m what they call a “daddy,” is that right? An older man who still has it?

Don: Stop talking.

CHRIS enters with his thesaurus.

Chris: Let’s bounce, my friend. Bro, I’m serious. You gotta get out of here.

CHRIS and DON exit. ANDREW sits for a moment, then dials his iPhone. A beat passes.

Andrew: (Into phone) Jeff Zucker please. Andrew Cuomo. (Pause) Jeff, this may be the best phone call you’ve gotten today! Remember back a few years ago when you made so much money with an unpredictable and slightly zany New Yorker? (Pause) I kid. I know you remember. But I know a guy, just as offbeat and just as say-it-like-it-is, basically same trouble with the ladies, and he’s here and he’s available and he’s rested and he’s ready. (Pause) No, actually Chris is super supportive. It’s his idea, actually!

ANDREW laughs as we:

FADE OUT.