Greetings, friends! From Pete and Chasten,

Pete’s back at work (for those who were askin’)

After some family leave for newborns Joe and Penny —

Three months, but for Fox News that’s apparently too many

For any dad, gay or straight. Did you see? They waxed hysteric!

(But wouldn’t a little “dad time” have helped Don Jr. and Eric?)

Chasten’s at home doing his best Mister Mom

Though there’s still a lot of Door Dash dot com,

But that’s the thing to remember, even when the two dads are gay,

They’re still dudes, and most men are just born that way.

Not trying to sound retro or even a bit anti-trans,

But with a diaper to change, your average mans

Will put it on backwards or some baffling way

Whether he likes Broadway musicals or prefers MMA.

Still, home life is joyous, as the photos will show,

In the first one (enclosed) our smiles are aglow,

In the second one it’s feeding time and Pete looks bored

While Chasten removes spit-up from his shirt by Tom Ford.

The third is bath time with bubbles and splashes —

Before we learned that fancy soaps give kids itchy red rashes.

In the fourth one we’re posing for our Winter Solstice card,

All dressed up and spiffy and trying really hard

To remain grateful that gay marriage is legal and which

Is the reason we’re married, with kids, and not rich.

It was different a few years ago, it was just us, we had money

To spend on French wines and artisanal honey,

Smart clothes and nice trips and Portuguese tile

And dog food from the Organic Pet aisle.

Now we’re worried about the birds and the bees

And soccer games and private-school fees

And packing lunches and playdates and saying “Don’t slouch!”

And “Please keep the Crayolas off the white couch.”

Don’t get us wrong! We’re thrilled to be dads,

Gay parenthood is not just one of those fads —

But if SCOTUS is looking to overturn Roe, truth to tell,

Maybe pause that and look at Obergefell?

In other news, Pete loves his new post!

He’s the Secretary of Transportation with the absolute most

Money to spend, and that’s something to say,

Since the department was created by LBJ,

Who was very comfy with spending billions —

Though he might have balked at trillions and trillions.

But Johnson would recognize most of Pete’s plan

Since all of them date from the time that the man

Lived in the White House. All Pete had to do was just

Find those old ideas and blow off the dust.

Bridges, of course, but also high-speed-rail links,

So New Yorkers and D.C.ers can meet up for drinks

On trains that run uninterruptedly

On clean energy and federal subsidy.

But a caution: Before bridges go up in profusion

The Department will focus on Equity and Inclusion

And hire an outside consultant to force us to face

That container ships and freeways are all about race.

But let’s put politics aside for some holiday cheer!

Raise a glass to celebrate an historic past year!

Put on our jammies and sweaters all nubby,

Happy Seasontide to Kamala and Mr. Second Hubby,

What about that! A Veep of color!

The rest of the team seems a whole lot duller!

Cheers to Schumer and Ron Wyden,

Not to forget Dr. Jill Biden,

To Nancy Pelosi who bought a new mansion —

And what the hell! Here’s to Grouchy Joe Manchin!

But let’s send a subdued Howdy — just the bare minima —

To troublesome, irritating Senator Sinema.

Good cheer to Janet Yellen and Antony Blinken,

Let’s forget about inflation and also the sinkin’

Feeling that Putin is taking Ukraine

Which I guess we can blame on that damn supply chain?

But no! Stay positive! The boss may be warily

Looking at poll numbers in the toilet — temporarily!

But that’ll change soon, it’ll all turn around, he’ll bounce back —

And if he doesn’t, please forgive our absence of tact

When we say America is ready, of that you can be sure,

For a Gay Presidential Campaign ’24.

So from all of us, please have a terrific

And Merry Holiday Nonspecific,

With feasts and songs and esperanza

Ringing until the seventh night of Kwanzaa!

A happy, peaceful 2022

Is what our family wishes for you —

Something quiet and simple, no more living on the edges

Big hugs from all four of us Buttigieges.

(And Tucker, if you’re reading this, don’t take offense,

This card was not sent at taxpayer expense.)