Welcome to Denny’s!

Hi there, thanks for coming to Denny’s. We’re happy to see you! Before we let you inside we’d like to ask questions as per the CDC Guidelines.

Have you or has anyone in your family traveled abroad in the past two weeks? Please note that for the purposes of coronavirus mitigation, the federal government classifies the states of Texas and Florida as “abroad.”

Have you experienced any of the following: fevers, chills, diarrhea, loss of taste and/or smell, sore throat?

Have you or has anyone in your family experienced doubt, de­pression, lethargy, unwillingness to continue to work from home, shared thoughts of despair and anger?

In the past two weeks have you or has anyone you’ve been in contact with expressed concern that current COVID protocols are overblown or misplaced? In the past two weeks have you or has anyone you know considered leaving your home for longer than 20 minutes?

If your answer to any of the questions above is “Yes,” we regret that we cannot welcome you to this Denny’s location. Please exit the COVID Protocol Investigation Tent and return to your car.

The following questions pertain to those of you who are the parents and/or guardians of children and/or adolescents. Please answer as fully as you can.

Do you have what formerly were termed “school-age children” living with you? Have they spent longer than 30 minutes daily outside of their individual antibacterial and antiviral capsules?

If your children seem upbeat or cheerful, the CDC has determined that this is a sign that you and your family are NOT following current mandatory protocols for the suppression of the COVID virus (among other things) and we regret that we cannot welcome you to this Denny’s unit. Please step away from the admittance cube.

Almost there! Thanks so much for your patience! Please move to Stage Two.

For those of you who remain in the entrance queue, only a few more questions left.

In the space below, please list the names and phone numbers of the people you’ve been in contact with over the past two weeks who may be unsupportive of current COVID Safety Measures as advocated by the Secretary of Compliance.

Terrific! Almost there! Before we move to Stage Three, we’d like to ask you to remove your mask.

Okay, just as we suspected. You are wearing only one mask. Ideally, there would be another mask underneath that mask. As you may be aware, the most recent protocols issued by the Secretary of COVID and the Department of COVID suggest that two masks be worn at all times as a precaution against the coronavirus.

Your eye-scan results report that you’ve been vaccinated, and we here at Denny’s applaud your civic action to protect yourself but especially others around you. A secondary mask is the current recommendation from the Master Plenipotentiary of the Corona­virus, and if you don’t have an additional mask we cannot invite you to join us at this particular Denny’s. Please step aside from the cube.

Wonderful! Thanks for your patience throughout this process! Welcome to Denny’s! Please remove your clothing and place it inside the incinerator box located within your individual cubicle. Once your clothing has been sent to the incinerator, we invite you to put on the antibacterial-microfiber jumpsuit included in your Welcome Packet. As you may be aware, this jumpsuit is yours to keep. Recent directives from the International Coronavirus Aware­ness Organi­zation suggest that this microfiber garment be worn during the 30–45 minutes daily when you are allowed to venture from your home or domicile without sanction.

As you enter the Denny’s, please move to the left. Place your head inside the temperature monitor for a reading, and then hold still as a tracking capsule is inserted in the fatty tissue above the craniovertical junction.

Take the first available booth. The magnetic fibers in the jumpsuit will alert the staff that you’re ready to order. The chip implant contains all of your billing information. Please note that in the time of COVID, Denny’s is a cashless organization.

Welcome to Denny’s! Thank you for your order! Please check the screen to make sure your order is correct!

Please note that due to recent CDC COVID guidelines, you are allotted only 45 minutes to enjoy your meal. And overages will be charged. If you feel a sharp throbbing in your left temple, it is the magnetic alarm system sending a waveform into your brain to remind you that it’s time to give up your table to someone more needy.

Thank you for coming to Denny’s!

Don’t forget the second mask!