From the Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. Presidential Archives . . .

Hey Joe!

I know I said I wasn’t going to do this, but I changed my mind. A lot of people are saying I’m maybe the classiest president ever, and this according to some people is the classy thing to do, so I’m writing you a note like everyone (Ivanka) told me I have to.

But you know me! Putting my twist on it!

I didn’t want to put it in the big ugly desk in the Oval Office because, number A) that’s been done, and 2) then everyone else gets to read it and you know what? I don’t like the idea that you and your friends are sitting around reading my note to you and probably making jokes about my spelling.

Spelling doesn’t count, Joe. Like some Pennsylvania votes I could mention!!!!

And Arizona and Nevada and Georgia.

Okay not going to go there. But you know what I mean and you know I’m right. But this isn’t about that. Anyway.

So I thought, where’s a private place that only the president goes — get it? “Goes??” — where Sleepy Joe will be alone and in privacy and then I realized that at some point on your first day you’d need to come in here — to what we in the real estate industry call a “half-bath” — just off the Oval Office and sit down and when you reached for the roll my note to you would tumble out.

Classy, right? Makes it more of a game, I think. More fun. Like, Where’s the note? Where’d he hide it? And then BOOM, it’s right here in my favorite place in this whole house. Only the president is allowed to use this one — that was the custom before I got here but I made it an actual Executive Order, feel free to thank me. And it’s a place I spent some really good quality hours.

In fact, I wrote this very note in this very spot, exactly where you’re sitting now.

I was going to put it next to the TV remote in here, or clipped to the phone charger cord, but I don’t mean this in an insulting way, Joe, but you don’t strike me as someone smart or tech savvy enough to be able to do three things at once. Which if you’ll accept some friendly criticism is a sign that you’re going to be a terrible failure at this job. Take it from me: this job is all about multitasking, and you’re going to need to be able to watch the shows and Tweet and do the other stuff kind of all at once. Plus at some point if you’re any good they’ll try to take the phone away and this room will pretty much be the only place you can just relax and be yourself and Tweet away.

But this isn’t what I wanted to talk about. What I wanted to say was that you and I are very different and let’s face it, we’re both pretty sure I won the election, were it held fairly, but it is what it is, as Jared keeps saying over and over again, and you can say this for the Jews — and I love them, by the way — but you can say this for them: they take their lumps and move on to fight another day and that’s very wise of them.

So that’s what I’m doing.

The haters and losers say that I’m not self-reflective but that’s not even fake news that’s just not even true. I think about myself a great deal. More than most, I’d have to say. And I’ve been thinking a lot about what I did very much right and strongly while president, but also those times that I may not have, for whatever reason, closed the deal right.

Which is why, if you’ll just reach down with your right hand and right next to the commode there’s what looks like a normal box of baby wipes — they say you can’t flush them but I’ve had numerous people, more than anyone can count, call me up and say, “Sir, the pipes in this building are super fantastic and they can take it,” so yeah, there’s the box of baby wipes and you’ll notice it’s been opened already and DON’T FREAK OUT just open the little lid and check out what’s inside.

That’s from me to you, Joe. A little housewarming gift and the bills are all out of sequence. Totally untraceable. There’s an awful lot there and there’s more if you need it, which you might because Hunter and hoo-boy, am I right?

So enjoy the cash. And maybe, should a pardon be something I might be able to use later down the road for tax reasons or whatever, you’ll remember this moment, this note, the seat we shared, and do the right thing.

Donald J. Trump

PS: The gift is from me and me only. If any of my kids need a pardon they will have to make their own arrangements.

PPS: Good luck. It feels weird to say but I actually wish you well, sort of.