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NOT TO LEAVE SCIF

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NSA DOCUMENT EXTRACT

08:44 22JUL24

STATIC. CONNECT.

FLOTUS: Hello? Hi, just a sec. I’m trying to get the workers to . . . Hold on, just a sec. Guys? Guys? Señores? Can you see that I’m on the phone here? Estaba hablando por teléfono.

So can you keep the work down? Um, guarde silencio, por favor. Guys?

VPOTUS: Jill, can I help you?

FLOTUS: Just a sec, Kamala. I’m having a lot of work done here and there’s sawing and construction and — guys! Guys! Remember, the room has to be oval, okay? Oval. Ovalado. Sí. Sí.

VPOTUS: Jill, I’m in the middle of a campaign. You called me. What can I do for you?

FLOTUS: Maybe I should put it another way. I’m here on the phone calling you and saying we did it, Kamala, we did it. Ring any bells?

VPOTUS: I’m not following.

FLOTUS: Um, really? Not following? How about a thank-you? I got the job done, okay? I made it happen. Now I’m up to my neck in construction here in Rehoboth and trying to get an oval office built before, you know, before he realizes, because this whole thing will only work if he thinks he’s still —

VPOTUS: Jill, I really don’t want to hear the details of this, okay?

FLOTUS: Just a second. Guys? Tiene que ser una réplica exacta, sí? He needs to . . . He needs to . . . El viejo necesita pensar que sigue siendo el presidente, sí? Sí?

VPOTUS: You said it was urgent? I really am pressed here.

FLOTUS: It is urgent. I just talked to my office and they tell me you haven’t requested any vetting materials from me.

VPOTUS: For what?

FLOTUS: For the veep nod. To be your running mate. Please don’t tell me this is the first you’re hearing of this.

VPOTUS: Jill, as I think I made clear a few days ago to your team, I really think what America wants now is change, is a fresh start.

FLOTUS: I agree, and I think a fresh start includes me on the ticket. Look, you know I can do the job. I’ve been doing it for the past year almost. And I can be helpful. Kamala, I’ve done this. A lot. I know how to handle the stump, I know how to keep the staff in line —

VPOTUS: I know how to do that, too.

FLOTUS: Without firing them all. Is what I mean. Listen, I can be helpful. And I really cannot face the idea that the next four years are going to be me in a fake Oval Office pretending to be Giorgia Meloni. Or, God, Bibi Netanyahu. This isn’t what I signed up for.

VPOTUS: You keep saying this like we made an arrangement. We didn’t. You told me last week that you thought I should be prepared to take the top slot —

FLOTUS: I said that WE, WE should —

VPOTUS: And that’s what I did. But it’s just not practical at this point to stop the process —

FLOTUS: No one can do what I can do, Kamala. I ran the entire show for months! And when he started doing that thing with his lower lip, I — just a sec, Guys! Señores! The backdrop needs to be fixed. It’s not the right one. It’s . . . It needs to look like summer. With trees and . . . Tiene que ser verde y exuberante, sí? Hora de verano, sí? Es necesario que parezca verano.

VPOTUS: Jill, I have to go.

FLOTUS: Can we at least talk cabinet post?

VPOTUS: Look, the best I can do is maybe some kind of commission.

FLOTUS: You owe me!

VPOTUS: Jill, with all due respect, I don’t owe you anything. I did the work. I earned this.

FLOTUS: You think you, what, just did this all yourself? You think you just fell out of a coconut tree?

VPOTUS: Okay, now you’re being bitchy. I have to go.

FLOTUS: This isn’t over.

VPOTUS: Jill, I am hanging up now. I am unburdened by what has been.

FLOTUS: Now who’s being bitchy? Just a sec — señores, it has to look like the Resolute Desk, okay? El escritorio viejo Resoluto? Sí?

VPOTUS: Buh-bye.

END EXTRACT

08:54 22JUL24